


Car Talk - Zombie Edition

by redsrule1



Category: RPF - National Public Radio
Genre: Gen, Humor, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-25
Updated: 2010-04-25
Packaged: 2017-10-09 04:00:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/82836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsrule1/pseuds/redsrule1





	Car Talk - Zombie Edition

RAY  
Hello and welcome to Car Talk from NPR radio, with us, Click and Clack, the Tappet brothers, and we're broadcasting this week from the underground bunker division at Car Talk Plaza. With rumors of an oncoming zombie apocalypse, we wanted to make sure we remained safe while we broadcast our show. So do you think this is something we should be worried about?

TOM  
Worried about what, us inflicting this show on the dozens of listeners we have left? [laughs]

RAY  
No, the oncoming zombie apocalypse!

TOM  
Oh, it's not oncoming. It already on_came_.

RAY  
What are you talking about?

TOM  
Well, a little bit ago, a bunch of zombies showed up at our door.

RAY  
WHAT? And you didn't _tell_ anybody?!?

TOM  
Well, they knocked on our door—

RAY  
They're very polite for zombies.

TOM  
\--and when I answered the door—

RAY  
They took one look at you and figured they were wasting their time! [laughs]

TOM  
Ha! Well, they _did_ turn and leave quietly. [laughs]

RAY  
Well, if you have a question about your car, or about the zombie apocalypse, give us a call at 1-888-CAR-TALK. That's 888, twenty-two, seventy-eight, two, double five. Hello, you're on Car Talk.

CALLER  
Hi, this is Rachel from somewhere in, um, Pennsylvania I think.

RAY  
You're not sure? That must have been _some_ party last night! [laughs]

RACHEL  
Well, I'm actually broken down on the highway somewhere.

RAY  
Oh, I see. You're standing a safe distance from the road, I hope.

RACHEL  
Well, there's kinda no such thing as a safe distance right now 'cause the z—

TOM  
Is that "Rachel" with one or two "A's"?

RAY  
How do you spell "Rachel" with two "A's"? R-a-A-c-h-e-l? "Ray-ay-chel?"

TOM  
No, R-a-c-h-**_A_**-e-l.

RAY  
Oh, right, okay. So, Rachel-with-two-A's, what's up?

RACHEL  
Well, it's really only one "A," but that's not impor—

RAY  
Ha! See? I _told_ you there's only one "A."

TOM  
Yeah, just like on your MIT report card! [laughs]

RAY  
And that "A" was for Phys Ed! So, Rachel, what can we do for you?

TOM  
What're you talkin' about, "Phys Ed." You've never done a jumping jack in your life.

RACHEL  
Um, well, I was driving down the Interstate and all of a sudden the car lurched and I heard this noise and the engine shut down and I can't get it started again.

RAY  
What kind of noise?

RACHEL  
I don't know, sort of a groaning noise. It sounded like it came from underneath the car.

RAY  
What did it sound like?

RACHEL  
Um, sort of a "aaah-rar-rar-aaah."

TOM  
How'd that go again? [laughs]

RACHEL  
Sort of a "aaah-rar-rar-aaah."

RAY  
One more time. [laughs]

RACHEL  
"Aaah-rar-rar-aaah."

TOM  
"Rar-aaah-aaah-rar."

RAY  
No, "Aaah-rar-rar-aaah."

TOM  
Ah.

RAY  
"…rar-rar-aaah." Right.

TOM  
And the engine won't start now.

RACHEL  
Right. It won't start.

RAY  
Does it act like it wants to start, or you just turn the key and – nothin'?

RACHEL  
Nothin'. Do you—do you know what's wrong?

RAY  
Nothin', huh? Hmm.

TOM  
You know, this reminds me of one time when I was in the Army. I was driving a jeep to drop off some supplies, and on the return trip I had a similar thing happen.

RACHEL  
Um, guys—

TOM  
I heard an "aaah-rar-rar-aaah" and the jeep just died, right there in the middle of nowhere. Well, it was the middle of the day and—

RAY  
And it was about naptime.

TOM  
You got it! [laughs] I didn't have anyplace else to be for a couple hours, so I crawled up under the jeep with my legs sticking out, like I was fixing it, and I went to sleep!

RACHEL  
Um, guys—

TOM  
Well, my sergeant happens by and stops to see what's wrong, and he steps up to where my feet are and yells "PRIVATE MAGLIOZZI!" Well, I'm so startled I sit straight up and BANG! My head smacks so hard against the underside of the jeep and rattles my—

RACHEL  
Brains.

TOM  
Exactly! [laughs]

RAY  
Well, Rachel, it sounds like you've got a bad alternator so your battery is drained and that's why you're getting nothing when you try to start the car.

TOM  
Yeah, but why did it stop in the first place?

RAY  
Well, she did say the car lurched first. Maybe she ran over something.

RACHEL  
Brains.

TOM  
Maybe. Yeah! She hit a zombie!

RAY  
That would explain the "Aaah-rar-rar-aaah" noise. So, Rachel, if you ran over a zombie, you probably better get out of there quick before they eat your—

RACHEL  
Brains.

RAY  
Right. Thanks for your call, Rachel! And now, Tommy, do you remember last week's puzzler?

TOM  
Did it have to do with brains?

RAY  
No.

TOM  
Then I don't remember.

RAY  
And nobody out there cares! I'm also being told that hoards of zombies are closing in on Cambridge—

TOM  
Our fair city!

RAY  
\--and so we've only got time for one more caller. So let me just remind you that you're listening to Car Talk, and we're here to talk about cars, car repair _AND_… the oncoming zombie apocalypse. Let's go to our final caller at 1-888-CAR TALK. That's 888, forty-four divided by two, twenty-five percent of three hundred and twelve, and the square root of sixty-five thousand and twenty-five. Hello, you're on Car Talk.

CALLER  
Hi, this is Claire from St. Louis.

RAY  
Hi, Claire, what can we do for you?

CLAIRE  
Well, I've got a domestic dispute for you to settle.

RAY  
I'll let Tommy handle this one. He's the expert on domestic relationships.

TOM  
That's right! Goodness knows I've had enough of 'em! [laughs] So what's up?

CLAIRE  
My husband always just tosses garbage into the back seat of his car and never cleans it out.

TOM  
Is it _his_ car?

CLAIRE  
Yes.

TOM  
Well, then, what's the problem? It's his car! He can do whatever he wants to with it!

RAY  
How long has it been since the car has been cleaned out?

CLAIRE  
Probably two or three years.

TOM  
Well, what do you care? If he wants to drive around in his own filth, let him! As long as he's not hurting anybody else—

CLAIRE  
But now my car is broken down and he won't do anything to fix it, and we have to share the car.

RAY  
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

TOM  
And he has specifically stated that he doesn't want to get your car fixed?

CLAIRE  
No, not really. I told him about it but lately all he wants to do is lay there on the couch watching football or Fox News.

RAY  
Has he said _anything_?

CLAIRE  
Not really.

TOM  
How long's he been laying on the couch?

CLAIRE  
It's been a couple of weeks now.

RAY  
What kind of snacks has he been eating?

CLAIRE  
Um, I don't know…

RAY  
Well can you hear the crunching of nachos and potato chips?

CLAIRE  
No, it looks kinda gray and squishy.

RAY  
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

TOM  
Zombie?

RAY  
Zombie. Claire, what's his name?

CLAIRE  
Darrell.

TOM  
Is that "Darrell" with two "R's" and two—

RAY  
Who cares?!? He's a zombie! Claire, put him on the phone.

CLAIRE  
Okay, here he is.

RAY  
Okay, Darrell?

DARRELL  
Brains?

RAY  
Okay, now listen up. You need to get off the couch.

DARRELL  
Brains.

RAY  
Yeah, I know. Now there is a _whole bunch_ of delicious brains under all that junk in the back seat of your car.

DARRELL  
Brains?

TOM  
Right, brains.

RAY  
So you need to go dig down through all that junk —

TOM  
And do NOT eat your wife's brains in the meantime!

RAY  
Right! –Just go out to the back seat of the car and dig down to the back seat. Okay?

DARRELL  
[from further away from the phone] Brains.

RAY  
Okay, Claire, you back?

CLAIRE  
I'm back.

TOM  
What's he doing?

CLAIRE  
Well, he's kinda lumbering toward the door.

RAY  
Okay, well zombies are slow, so you've got time to go get a trash bag, and when he starts digging through the trash in the back seat, you'll be there to catch it all in the trash bag!

CLAIRE  
Great, thanks, guys!

TOM  
Just remember that as soon as he's dug through the trash and discovers that there's no brains there, you'll have to get out of there quick! [laughs]

RAY  
Right, just shove him out of the car and drive away as fast as you can! [laughs]

CLAIRE  
Got it. Thanks again!

RAY  
You're welcome, Claire. Bye-bye!

TOM  
We'll have to have her back sometime on "Stump The Chumps" to see if he actually cleaned the car out!

RAY  
And whether or not she got away! Well, it's happened again, you've just squandered another perfectly good fifteen minutes listening to Car Talk. Our esteemed producer is Doug "The Undead Fugitive" Berman, and our technical, spiritual, and menu advisor, just back from the Ft. Wayne, whole grain, quiche lorraine, chow mein, champagne, sugar cane, fried plantain and raw brain gravy train is John "Bugsy" Lollar. Our Italian Zombie Coordinator is "Etta D. Brains," and our Zombie Control Officer is "Amy Forthehead."

TOM  
That one wasn't very good.

RAY  
Well, _you_ try to come up with a bunch of all-zombie-themed names and see how well _you_ do! Our chief councilor from the law firm of Dewey, Cheetham &amp; Howe is Hugh Louis Dewey, better known to the undead hoards in Harvard Square as "lunch." Thanks for listening. We're Click and Clack the Tappet brothers, and remember, don't eat my brother.

TOM  
And don't eat _my_ brother.

RAY  
We may, or may not, be back next week. Bye-bye! Car Talk is a production of Dewey, Cheetham &amp; Howe and WBUR in Boston.

TOM  
And even though zombies everywhere volunteer to be targets at the nearest shooting range whenever _we_ say it, this is NPR, National Public Radio.


End file.
